For the record, I'm still alive...

Well, I've been "encouraged" numerous times over the past couple months to update my blog. And I've been meaning to, I really have. I guess I haven't for a lot of reasons--trying to develop something resembling "normal", spending time with my kids and husband (and mom!), recovering from the transplant and getting ready for radiation, dealing with newly developed panic attacks and general anxiety problems--but mostly, I've just wanted to distance myself from cancer in about any way I can. Writing this blog is a glaring reminder of the beast I in battle with. Being on the forum of other hodgkin's warriors is also a reminder, and I've been laying low on that web-site as well. It's especially hard when other people dealing with the same "easy" cancer that I am are continuing to suffer, continuing to battle, and some are losing ground in their battles. Just look at Shannon and Jesse's blog to see this is a woman who has fought long and hard--more valient than anyone should HAVE to fight for their life--and she has recently entered hospice care. I don't know Shannon, but her husband writes on the Hodgkin's forum and I couldn't care about them any more than if they were my "real life" friends. Or Sarah's blog--not sure if she has updated recently, but this woman has been to hell and back--numerous times--only to learn each of her treatments lasts for a short period of time then she's back to square one. She's entering a clinical trial at the beginning of the year, but it's not for a cure. She undergoing pallatiative care to buy as much quality time as possible. This damn disease really pisses me off....

I haven't written on this blog lately because I am really struggling with depression, anxiety, survivor's guilt (coupled with a nagging fear the transplant didn't work for me), and just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. The selfish part of me wants to say, screw it, I'm tired of fighting cancer. I just want to live my life. I don't want to do radiation....I have completed 10 of my 20 radiation treatments. It's 15 minutes out of my day, and yet my entire life revolves around having these treatments every day. January 14th--barring any complications--should be my last treatment--forever. And yet, it feels so far away. I know I'm ranting. I know I'm rambling and probably don't make much sense. I just feel like this has been bottled up inside of me since July when I was re-diagnosed (with the exception of Scott recieving the brunt of my emotions) and today, for whatever reason, is just a breaking point for me. This blog is hopefully a starting point for me to get through the rest of this treatment. Right now I feel like I can't even face going to radiation on Monday morning, and yet I know I have no choice because I have to fight for my kids and my husband. And, maybe by Monday morning, I'll feel like fighting this for myself.

And, oh yeah, in the past two months my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer (had surgery on December 19th and they believe they got all the cancer), my grandfather is undergoing treatment (radiation) for prostate cancer, and I had to put my beloved cat, Barri, to sleep because his kidneys stopped functioning. He was my baby for the past 13 years, since he was a month old. I was blessed to have my mom stay with us until December 9th, when she returned home to get my dad through his cancer journey. I am also blessed to have a husband who loves me and is devoted to me, regardless of my health. I love you honey! Finally, I was lucky (and had lots of help from mom) enough to host Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner at my home for my side of the family. Despite bad weather and slightly undercooked turkey, we had a great time, ate until we were stuffed, and everyone made it home safely. So, it's not like life has just been crap for the past two months--I have been busy with some "normal life" activities also.