Kinda big

Soon, there's going to be some disagreement between my oncologist and I.  Soon, as in tomorrow...

I tend to lean towards being conservative regarding terms like "remission" and "cured".  In fact, if you wanna know how I REALLY feel, I believe the Hodge, or any other cancer, can rear its ugly head in my life ANY time it wants, without regard for how long I have remained Cancer-free.

All that being said, this Friday, the 26th, I see my oncologist.  Assuming there are no surprises, I expect to hear that my remission continues.  I might even hear the BIG word--cured!  Afterall, it has been 5 years since my transplant.  I won't consider myself having 5 years of remission until Feb 12th, though.  THAT is when I heard "remission" for the 1st time following a clean scan.  THAT will be my "cured" date.

I have mixed emotions about the word "cured".  Every cancer survivor longs to hear it.  But my excitement about the possibility of being told I'm cured is tempered by my "reality-based" belief that this monster can come back ANY time wants.  Cancer cells don't understand words like "cured".  I have some relief, having this much "clean time" under my belt.  It helps me feel more secure in believing I will remain cancer-free longer.  But the thought of it returning, or some other form of cancer showing up to turn my life upside down, is still in a terrified corner of my mind.  I don't let myself live in fear, but I also don't let myself feel overly excited about the news I expect to hear tomorrow.

Shouldn't there be fireworks, a parade, a street named in my honor?!  Afterall, I stared death in the face twice, and boldly (ok, maybe not boldly!) told it to go to hell!  But I know better.  My world moved on from the world of cancer long ago.  Heck, even I don't think about my experiences as often as I used to.  It's usually when a lingering side affect flares up, or I have one of these bi-yearly oncology appointments, that I REALLY get deep into thought about my battle.  I don't expect most people in my world to even realize the significance of tomorrow  Is it selfish to think they should?  Maybe.  Actually, it just occurred to ME just a couple weeks ago that this is it...the appointment I've been waiting for ever since that fateful day in April, 2006, when the word "cancer" entered my life for the first time.  I'm hoping, longing, expecting, to hear tomorrow that I am finally "CURED"!!!!!  Maybe I'll have my own fireworks or parade for myself.  And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will mark the point at which I can work harder to finally move on, and not let myself worry so much about the if or when I will fight yet another battle.