This is a blog intended to keep family and friends posted about my progress as I undergo a stem cell transplant to fight my relapse of Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The anxiety begins...

My scans are next week--the 12th--to be exact. I'm trying to not let it get to me, but it does. The fear and doubt that this transplant did its job, creeps into my head when I least expect it. Of course there is night time, when there is too much quiet and not enough to keep my brain busy. Luckily, a good dose of Lunesta, and sometimes a Xanax kicker, help me get through those times.

It's when I feel completely taken off guard with my pessimistic thoughts that really frustrate me. We have to re-do our kitchen due to a malfunction in our dishwasher that flooded the entire kitchen. I will spare you the drama of getting home owner's insurance to cover it and the panic attack I experience when Scott took out the circular saw to make getting our beautiful hardwood floor out easier. (The floor Scott and my dad put in while I was going through tx. the first time as a way of cheering me up and getting me through the last 2 1/2 rounds). Anyway, I digress from the story...I was picking out counter top color the other day, and a random thought popped into my head..."make sure you pick out something that will be easy for Scott to keep clean if you're not around much longer." Damn brain.

Or this trip I want to take out East. I really want to go--time away from every responsibility, get to meet quite a few of my hodge buddies I've grown so close to over the last couple of years, visit relatives (and I have a LOT of them out there!)--time away. Scott has put in his vacation time and has instructed me to find flights. But I just can't get myself to do it. I look them up, compare them, decide which would work best with our timeframe--but then when it comes to "select this flight"--I freeze. I can't buy the tickets. I find myself thinking, "I don't want to waste the money if we find out my scans aren't clean." I've told myself that, after I find out my scan results, I will buy the tickets. I guess we'll see next week.

All the bad news on the hodge forum has definitely taken its toll on me. Some of the closest friendships on this board are with those who have now died. Sarah's death was a complete shock to me and many others. We knew her time was limited, but I never had a clue she would go so soon. And then there's the relapses. Several members of the board who went through tx last year are relapsing this year. Whoever the idiot was that nicknamed this the "good cancer" needs a good kick in the head. I'm failing to see what is so good about all of this.

I know my fear of relapsing will never go away. But for now, I sure would like to hear the word "remission."

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Skye you get your tickets NOW. You need to get away and meet your friends. Your family would love to see you too. I think seeing your friends, that you have come to know as your other family is what you need right now. I stand at the side lines and wish I could do more. I know you are in good hands with the forum, they understand how you are feeling, and can help you with it. But the trip is something you should do so you get on your computer and get your plans taken care of. If I can help in any way you know I will. take care and I'll see you next week. give a boys a hug and kiss from me ok

Love always Mom

Nancy J. said...

Skye, I agree with your mom. Get your tickets and start planning your trip. I realize that it's hard to be upbeat all the time, although I have never experienced any of what you are going through, and I know that everyone needs to have a good cry,be angry etc., but I know having a positive attitude helps too. Whatever you do...don't give up. Enjoy your beautiful family. Know that we are thinking of you and if you don't hear from us often it's only that we are at a loss for words and don't wish to unintentionally cause any distress. Besides, I never was good at writing letters, ask your mom LOL.
Love, Nancy J.

Anonymous said...

Skye, I wish I could think of "just the right things to say", but, I don't believe there is such a thing, and with me never having had to go through all of this, those words wouldn't be coming from me anyway.
The only thing I do know, is you and your family need to have some feeling of "normalcy" and something to plan on that won't have so many question marks and anxiety attatched to it. I think you should just say to H--- with it and buy your tickets, start planning some kind of flexible itinerary and plan on having a good time. You ALL deserve it!
Our thoughts and prayers are with you! Connie

Adrienne said...

Scanxiety sucks, I know, but hang in there. Just take it a day at a time and plan for squeeky clean scans. Give those cute boys a hug for me.

Love, Alison

Bekah said...

Lovely Skye,

Here with you in thought, during this weekend. And *hoping* for the best for your scan results.

Parts of me feel the same about the forum, I, myself, need to take some time and space from it as well because of such devestating news. But I also strongly feel that when you - or in this case, our board has hit rock bottom, there is no where to go but up.

For now, focus on you, and these beautifully clean scans. And you better book those tickets missy - or I have a feeling Susan will be knockin' at your door sometime soon :)

Love,

B

laulausmamma said...

KNOCK KNOCK - HI Skye - have you bought your tickets yet?? It's okay to wait another week...I haven't bought mine yet either. Hope you'll plan on being with the "forum family" on Sat and Sun while in Boston.

Hang on to the thought that your scans will be clean as a whistle...then call your travel agent when they are. Hope the cough that never ends makes a quick exit soon.

(((HUGS)))
Susan

Veronica said...

Skye - just wanted to let you know that we're rooting for you this week.........Wullie didn't take his pompoms to your side of the pond, but I've got the girls doing some pretty nifty routines! They're bound to help!!

I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from with having difficulty making plans for the future........but instead of thinking of it as jinxing things, try to think of it as one in the eye of the Hodge!

We booked the trip to Boston with trepidation, but at the same time we REALLY needed something to aim for and look forward to.

Wishing nothing but the best for you, girl...........bring on the clean scans...........xx

Veronica said...

ps - I meant to say, I think your mom rocks......what a lovely and caring post...........xx

Anonymous said...

Hey Sis!

Sorry it took me so long to check in on your site again! For some reason, people think that I should actually work around here (PARTY POOPERS!). Anyway, I think that it is OK that you are waiting to buy tickets. However, I think you should take the trip no matter what the outcomes of your tests are. I wish there were something that I could say or do to make things easier for you at this time, but I am not so good at such things. Worrying is a good thing. It means that you still have a lot of fight left of you, and you have no plans of giving up. Kevin, Douglas, Claire, and I are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. When the results finally come back and show that you kicked this cancer's A**, the first round is on me! Please take care and remember that we are here if you need anything. I Love Ya Babe!!

Crystal

Anonymous said...

Hi my friend...
Yeah, your mom does rock. She's my 2nd mom, so I have to agree!

I am so looking forward to hearing good news about your scans, and to plan our little weekend family get together. I will buy some jelly bellies and will give you my popcorn ones. Love you so much !
Kiss my two boys and rub scott's head for me.

I have people praying for you / sending good vibes to you all over the country so it's GOTTA work!

Nik

laulausmamma said...

Hi Skye - Sending some last mintue good luck wishes to you for your scans tomorrow. Hope the cough is getting better. Wishing you squeaky clean scans so you can book your tickets for Boston. Can't wait to meet so many of our forum family in the flesh!!

(((HUGS)))
Susan

Anonymous said...

Hey Sis!

I talked to both Mom and Dad last night. They shared the wonderful news! Cograts on the awesone results! I knew you were going to deliver a TKO to that crappy cancer! Way to go ROCKY! Now get on ordering those tickets, you deserve a vacation! Love ya Babe!!

Crystal

Anonymous said...

Congrats and good fighting my friend! Last night after you called, Cam goes, "Mom, don't ever scream like that again!" I think he thought I was scared or something!!! I was just so glad..

Got your tickets booked yet?
Nik

Anonymous said...

You Did It!!
I was so happy to see the text:
SCANS ARE CLEAN!!!!

I am so happy for you, Scott, and the kids!!!

We miss u all.

Love,
Tawnya