Doing better today.

I wanted to check in quick to let you know that I am doing better today than I was when I wrote my last update. I was having a "poor me" kind of day, and you all got a little taste of the mood swings my wonderful husband (and mom) have had to put up with since I was re-diagnosed. Life has been such a rollercoaster with this treatment and that treatment--since the end of July--and now things have slowed down enough that I'm just beginning to digest "everything I've been through". I've heard that phrase so many times in the past several months, and it was beginning to make me angry every time I heard it. I don't want to be reminded of what I've gone through--what my family and friends have had to endure.

I've gone through this whole relapse with the attitude I would handle everything that came along, 1 thing at a time. First is was the restaging tests, then salvage chemo, followed by giving myself Neupogen shots and enduring stem cell collection. When that was finished (luckily, in only one day), I was admitted into the hospital for high dose chemo--two times per day for six days--followed by the moment we all waited for--the stem cell transplant. The activity of having my stem cells reinfused was pretty boring actually, but the real "fun" started about three days after transplant, when the side effects started catching up to me. I came close to setting records at the hospital when I was discharged from in-patient care on day +12 after the transplant. Overall, my physical side effects and damage has been minimal. I've tolerated everything about as well as a person can while going through this experience. Even my radiation treatments are going pretty well, and I'm over halfway done with them. I even learned today that they are reducing the radiation field beginning tomorrow because the doc feels he does not need to continue radiating the whole area.

Emotionally, I think I have handled my relapse pretty well also. I've had my moments that I've been overwhelmed with emotion, but who wouldn't have that? Mostly, I've looked at everything I've had to do in the last six months as challenges that I would simple be too stubborn NOT to get through! What is so hard for me to cope with right now is the flood of anxiety I find myself facing. Ordinary activities I've done my whole life leave me feeling unsure, unconfident, afraid, and sometimes even terrified. I'm just too much of a control freak to have anxiety like this, I guess!! I am hoping that this will pass, as I get some healthy time under my belt, and I have less of a need to be afraid. Until then, it does help me to vent it on here, so be prepared!!!! You never know what I might say!!

I also want to mention, as I did in my last update, about my friends, Shannon and Jesse. Jesse is a "regular" on the Hodgkin's online support group I am a part of, and he just lost his wife today to this terrible disease. Shannon was diagnosed with Stage II Nodular Schlerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma, just like me except she had symptoms typical of hodgkins. Unfortunately, despite all the treatment she went through, Shannon was never able to gain a remission, and fought hard until her suffering finally ended today. If you have an extra minute or two please check out their blog. There's a link to it about halfway down on my blog, and, if you feel you can, leave a message for Jesse and their five children. My heart hurts tonight, thinking that it could easily be me leaving behind my husband and children.